Just another day, a kind lady I do not know posts to my Memorial site words of care and kindness. so I go to the site to aknowledge such kindness. Then I read a page of my journal and tears run forcing me to just sit and clear my thoughts. No matter how many times I read my words words that come from my heart the tears are there. It is no special day but looking out my back window see the garden and picture my lovely Marion tending the flowers and I long to be back in time. This for Alistair and myself is a time we both hope will just pass quickly so much comes to mind even more so than usual, October the goodbyes of a Mum and her daughter, then Cheryl,s birthday Dec 12. So I have managed to tell my brother I am spending my Christmas on my own like last year, I can laugh and cry as this time for families has lost all meaning to me. I will not sit and feel sorry for myself my thoughts are all for my loved ones no longerhere, sitting in company I find it difficult to be in the moment as I just picture how it used to be so why should I pretend to be the contented person I once was. I will spend this season in my own way and not try to satisfy others by pretending. Party pooper Dad.